Reassurance

Over the past month or so I've concocted a blog post or two in my trusty notebook, but not got round to actually posting them at any point. Before I get round to one I wrote quite some time ago, I'd like to touch on something unrelated to the post itself. Whilst browsing social media last week, I came across a post that a friend had commented on regarding someones survey to help with their university dissertation. Usually I would just ignore such posts, however, on this particular occasion, the title rather caught my eye. "The role of masculinity in men seeking help for a mental illness". In relation to my own situation, it's clear the more unmasculine a man the more likely they are to seek help for such issues. Me personally being petrified of confrontation showing simply, considering I've met some and a half brash, outspoken arseholes in my short time, who are quite clearly hell-bent on remaining housebound, anxious and depressed yet so stubborn and blinded by their own pig ignorance it will just stick like a huge cloud constantly raining, dampening their already drowning spirit.

Oh those lovely mental images.

That took up more paper than intended.
/rantover
Until next time.


Two stones, one bird,
Second chances never heard,
Forgiveness comes, regret goes,
Guiltiness never shows,
Pack it up, get out of here,
You're a memory not a fear,
I'm not alone anymore,
Here, safe I am, but you still are,
Dicing with destiny, fate
There are those that would relate,
Am I one? Unknown,
The only certainty is I've grown.

Reflection

These past couple of weeks I have been unwell, that's an understatement. Barely being able to talk, or swallow. Most of my time has been taken up with games again, definitely in a more relaxed way than the past. However I have watched a few things on youtube, mainly VODs of professional League of Legends, but one thing really caught my eye that I definitely wanted to share.

For people not aware of Sky, he is a stand-up comedian by trade, but releases life lesson, often exaggerated or figurative, videos on his youtube channel, and also posts funny League of Legends videos.

This specific video really hit me, I know there was someone in the past who was trying to be so assertive with me, and I can only apologise for my blind ignorance. Maybe assertive was the wrong word to use there, they didn't exactly say they were going to come out and be there for me no matter what, but they were anyway. They knew exactly how I was feeling and still came calling no matter what.

I don't have my book of poems with me today, so let's try one straight from my consciousness.

It's not easy to listen,

But they see your tears glisten,

Just trying to hold back for someone else,

Why? This isn't a question,

Don't be scared of your true self,

Being who you are frees your mind,

Take heart from the positives they find,

I know, you can't find your own,

This, isn't being kind,

But they have enough thought not to leave you alone,

So stick by that friend,

Or family or lend,

Your ears to someone you know is like you,

One day, in the end,

It's going to result in not feeling so blue.

GeneTheCow's pizza north east reviews 2014

All pizzas are reviewed on quality of base, crust, cheese and toppings where applicable although by trying to remain impartial, I have attempted to base judgments purely on margherita, also overall atmosphere which is of course going to impact how much you enjoy your pizza!

1. Bella Italia, Durham

Base - 10                                                       
Crust - 8
Toppings - 9                               Overall - 9
Atmosphere - 9
Price - 8

Sitting right on the banks of the river, Bella's menu is an immediate eye catcher. Offering a full medley of rustic and contemporary Italian food, there is enough to satisfy anyone's taste buds. If you, like me, have your eyes on only one of the choices on offer, it is impossible to be disappointed, blending seamlessly their fluffy moist base to a thin, crispy crust.


2. Fiume, Washington

Base - 8
Crust - 9
Toppings - 8                                 Overall - 8
Atmosphere - 7
Price - 6

Again sitting right on a river, Fiume's modern style strikes you as somewhat of a shock at first. Perched on the top of a modern bar which does get rather busy, the atmosphere upon exit and entrance can be somewhat overwhelming at certain times. The restaurant itself however is somewhat flawless in it's design.


3. Tosca, Sunderland

Base - 6
Crust - 6
Toppings - 10                                  Overall - 8
Atmosphere - 9
Price - 9

Easily accessible by every area of the north east, right next to park lane interchange, Tosca's quaint, quirky, almost cafe-esque style makes it seem serene. The pizzas themselves amount to almost a crispy flatbread with the TASTIEST toppings you could imagine. The chocolate orange cheesecake is also to die for.


4. Mama's Italian Kitchen, Houghton-le-spring

Base - 7
Crust - 8
Toppings - 7                                      Overall - 7
Atmosphere - 7
Price - 6

Priding itself on being a haunt of footballers and famous people, expectations are usually met by a hair. Plain in it's presentation, slightly over average in it's quality, I feel the price reflects it's reputation as opposed to it's quality.


5. Little Italy, Seaburn

Base - 8
Crust - 5
Toppings - 8                                        Overall - 7
Atmosphere - 8
Price - 7

When you sometimes get a crustless pizza...
Little Italy is idyllic in it's setting, you couldn't get closer to the sea without building a restaurant on the beach. The staff are on a level of friendliness that is unheard of in most places, rumours are they're thinking of investing in a new pizza oven, watch this space!


6. Avanti, Houghton-le-spring

Base - 6
Crust - 6
Toppings - 8                                          Overall - 7
Atmosphere - 8
Price - 8

Another pub conversion to restaurant the same as Mama's. Many of the old features of the pub still remain though, full bar, seats built into the wall, surprisingly however this does not detract from the overall feel of the restaurant.I consider the food to be of very good quality, the more modern feel to the music played helps the atmosphere tremendously.


7. Roma, Sunderland

Base - 7
Crust - 9
Toppings - 8                                          Overall - 6
Atmosphere - 4
Price - 8

Strange how this used to be my favourite restaurant, until I got too full from one of their top-notch pizzas and had a panic attack on the way home.Their food is great, the restaurant itself mirrors Tosca in it's quaintness, yet it plays god awful country music, huge mood killer.

Expressive

I waited until this particular moment to say something because any contradicting comments would be met with somewhat guarded hostilities. I would love to know why so many people come out in tribute to a famous person dying as the result of a mental illness, or circumstances dictated by emotion, and want to raise awareness for such things? Things like this happen every day to normal people, normal people who die, or live to cope with such situations very differently, some exactly the same as recent events. I believe the expression fair weather friends is appropriate. Considering the impact of the general situation, it's good more people pay attention to the details, but when all the attention disappears as seems to have done for the most part now, it's as if all the awareness was raised for nothing. Everyone is completely different, I was able to get through my situation without any physical harm to myself, but I know several others who have self harmed or even committed suicide.

I would also like to spare a thought for counsellors and therapists who help us all through such situations. The whole profession holds a very special place in my heart, when I was told they have their own internal counselling system it really hit home how much those people put themselves through in order to make our lives easier to live.


Labels bandied about,
What's stopping you from finding out,
You talk like you know the score,
Have you been there before?
Before you judge or think you understand,
It's not just sadness, or a general bland,
Everyone's considering themselves experts in this field,
But we're all different in how we wield,
Emotions, feelings, even a smile,
I implore you, reconcile,
Depression won't effect just one man,
There are billions suffering even you can,
Voiceless, unheard, hiding away,
All relationships frayed,
So consider in your thoughts not just the one,
But the one in three at that same low,
Never forget when all's said and done,
These people cannot simply run,
They need your help and understanding,
It's as easy as handing, over a smile, over a hand,
Over a conversation about their plans,
And for those in silence, just a thought,
Happiness cannot be bought.

Capable

Some people's life dream is to meet some random celebrity or to visit some hot island in the southern hemisphere. Mine is to meet someone who's music makes me cry. There's something about Passion Pit's music that hits me right in the back of my throat, particularly if I'm having an off day. I've cried outside and inside the four walls that I would call a home, all to reach some form of "capable" state.

It's amazing how often I use that word in my own mind, nothing is ever capable until the situation has truly passed.I find it somewhat ridiculous, certain situations popping up that are quite unbearable in their intensity and yet the actual concept of the whole idea is laughable. De-realisation, nothing is true, it may seem like something from Assassin's Creed but for someone who suffers from anxiety, the unsaid rule of every paranoiac thought, every irrational worry. It doesn't matter how ridiculous, how outlandish, as if the odds are stacked in the "defences" favour, there will be a time where the worry train comes off the tracks. So find someone who will live with that, you find someone who finds it themselves "capable" and who is actually willing to help the situation. You'd guess the difference that makes and go figure how happy you'll become, if politeness costs nothing, ignorance can cost a sanity.


Effort, if you could just learn to control,
What you are putting in, will drive you in to a hole,
Who's arms will be there to pull you out,
Mine for all, I've been thinking about,
All you've done for me and the position we are in,
Is there a day goes by that I'm without a grin?
Since the day we walked hand in hand, your face has been alight,
And after finding out why I can't sleep at night,
All you've wanted to do was help, and you still wear that smile,
Some day, you'll be repaid, while,
My thoughts don't exceed the expression of feelings,
I'm a dreamer, I deal in reelings,
The biggest compliment I can pay to you,
You're better than my imagination, that's the full truth.

Tilting

Who'd have thought it was possible to sit so long doing nothing?
Story of my life and all that...

Last time I spoke about emotional karma, a slight elaboration, or branch as such, would be something called tilting. The first time I came across the term it was being bandied about by people who were looking for excuses as to why they were playing badly at games. More specifically, League of Legends. In simple terms it means that a bad mood will effect actions, making decisions less likely to be effective. For example, I'll use League of Legends as a scapegoat (5v5, 10 player game, team work imperative), if something goes wrong on your part, be it a bad decision, a lack of game knowledge or mechanics or even a system failure, you'll know you've done wrong. However, in a situation as team focused as League, the majority of your fellow players will let you know about your mistake, usually in the most violent or thoughtless way possible. They'll jump on your back and try to wrestle you to the ground, or so it would seem, because in turn they're also putting themselves on the ground, but this is an iteration of emotional karma not emotional karma itself. Because you feel as if you've made a mistake, you want to correct that in the best way possible, show 'em what you're made of champ! Wait though, your team is totally dragging you down and your desire for redemption is now making your decision making very poor, all you want to do is react to being put down but you're running head first into the same situations again without thinking.

Tilting.

This principle can also be stapled onto every day life, specifically in an environment where I work, where those "team mates" have suddenly turned into customers. Several people completely ignoring everything you say, only for your mood to then drop to the depths of... something really deep. Suddenly look, you're really annoyed and you're treating customers differently to the start of the day.

Tilting.

How is it possible to stop this from happening? Well in the game sense it's easy. Stop playing.
In real life sense it's generally way more difficult, you can't just stop playing. The sense of achievement from beating a game knowing you've overcame every odd to then come out on the other side victorious is immense. So the way I like to think of it is, I'm playing space invaders, every customer I get I shoot down whether they be good or bad, sometimes I get power-ups from those kind enough to take the time to listen. Every once in a while a boss comes along and I conquer them will all my willpower and at the end of the day I'm left feeling unreal.

Tilting.


Look out for my smile on those cold rainy days,
I'll get you through, make it okay,
Bring out the sun, make it shine bright,
Hold back the moon, hold back the night,
Every minute with you is like a holiday,
My mind's own vacation thoughts of that sunny day,
My only hope is it's the same for you,
Giving you peace of mine calm and true,
If being together quells any fears,
What reason is there it can't last always?

Open up

I genuinely wish people were more open about mental illnesses. No matter how much awareness is raised for people who are actually suffering, the fact is everyone is at a vulnerability, anyone can fall ill without a warning and those are the people I worry for the most. They're clueless as to what they're actually going through, unaware of help and support available to them. We as a country with free health care should be educating children about mental illnesses, showing them how to recognise signs not just for their own sakes but for their friends and family too. Just having someone who understands, or at least understands to how to react (yes, everyone is different in every separate case but the fact remains that when the dust settles, there is one person stood alone in a barren wasteland not knowing which way to turn) to someone who is desperately crying for help in most cases, a simple arm around a shoulder can do wonders on a road to recovery. Even someone who has recovered needs just as much support to make sure that any relapse however minor is dealt with in the best possible way as to avoid any huge deal made, just having someone to talk to can make the world of difference.

I have found personally that any relationship, whether family or love, is impossible in a situation where one is not accepting, be it the sufferer or anyone who cares about said, of the condition that they've found themselves in. You need to be able to rely on one another for support, because as difficult as it is for one, it's as difficult for the other. Even the person without an illness suffers, they need just as much support, it can actually help the person who is suffering to know they're being relied on just as much to hold someone else together, it brings about an element of realisation. This can't really happen if the gears of the relationship aren't turning as one, but it's often to realise such things as depression and anxiety can cloud judgement to the point of delusion.

I believe in emotional karma, being happy myself will make those around me happy too, one good mood deserves another. It works both ways though, being sad will bring other people down, that's why the effort of others also triggers emotional karma. If one person smiles for half an hour in public, at least one other person will smile, thereby triggering a waterfall effect, only becoming stronger with time.

If one person smiles, everyone can smile with them.


Love lasts forever, as long as one half lives,
But love cannot exist, if only one half gives,
Taking your whole life is easy when there's nobody to repay,
You'll realise one day.

Nobody goes through life without giving love,
Feel sorry for those who think they are above,
One day they'll be taken in, unable to breathe or say,
As the winds of love take their breath away.

It'll be hard for them to realise give them a helping hand,
That could have been you without emotion, bland,
Some people will refuse to let you help them find their way,
They'll fall in love too, one of these days,
A love so true, it will stop their thoughtless ways.

So pray for the thoughtless, the mindless and the fake,
When somebody decides to take the time,
To love them more than they love themselves, they'll finally be awake.

How are you?

Humans are the most friendliest of creatures on Azeroth, such a shame it has little true reflection to Earth. Whenever I'm handing in quests they're all "Hey, how are you?", I'm all like, yeah exactly the same as you asked 5 minutes ago when I clicked on you accepting the quest in the first place, only I've now murdered several animals for their skins, or teeth, or paws or something and stolen some candles from miners. When I say miners, I mean they're not real miners are they, they're more like a rabbit crossed with a crocodile that are very over protective of their candles. Who can blame them when people are running around killing them stealing their candles though, although it's clear to see what part of them is rabbit... I wonder if they have yankee candles, that could be a murder-free quest, go to the shop and buy some yankee candles.

</Unrelated News> I had a wonderful pizza the other night </end Unrelated News>

There are far more murders in Elwynn than Westfall. Since CSI Westfall has been aired for some years now, they should really think about broadening their horizons and make a CSI Elwynn to find and arrest the Horde members that keep killing the "How are you?" brigade in Eastvale Logging Camp.

Speaking of which, how are you?
The last few days have been rather difficult for me, with dejavu being at an all time high, like seeds - poisonous seeds that grow into giant fire-breathing plants that burn off all the hair I'm so desperately trying to keep a hold of, quite literally when I'm almost pulling it out in frustration. I can't really begin to explain how great it is to have someone to talk to, almost care-free. I know what happens is frustrating to both of us, as much myself as it's something that's uncontrollable as far as switching on and off. Annoying as it may be for two halves, there's a clear understanding, it's a part of me that for the mean time isn't going to change in a hurry, and something that will be endured ("put up with") which I'm glad to say lifted my mood enormously.

Has a poem.

Hello? Knock knock, you'll have to come out some time,
Oh hey, I hope I'm not crossing the line,
You don't need me dictating your life,
Through the looking glass, it's rife,
With trouble, you stumble, so come and take my hand,
We'll walk the line together if you're looking for a friend,
I'll help you through the bad times, cheer you through the good,
The only reason behind selflessness is knowing the other would,
Assist anyone that cried for help, screamed,
It's like an opportunity for your soul to be redeemed,
For you to forgive your own sins, cleanse, renew,
But here look at you,
Why am I thinking of my own peace of mind,
When you're sat there crying just trying to rewind,
Enveloped in your sadness, cocooned in fear,
Yet, I'm here, anticipating every tear,
Catching them with happiness turning them to joy,
Bonding, stronger than an alloy,
Feelings bring people together but only if they're shown,
They're like a watering can, making love grow,
So get out in your garden and sew those seeds,
Every person in the world has emotional needs.

Restart now - Later

GeneCraft.

A bold undertaking that was sharing my gaming story with the world. Something I want to renew, in my own special way. I will tell the story of a new character, a young Warlock, their quest for greatness, acceptance and passion for success. Their journey has just began in the valley of Northshire.

We will follow their journey with great interest.

For now though, enjoy the musings of a poem :)

My memories can rot in hell,
All that matters is here and now,
Happy days, massive smiles,
Going on for miles and miles.

I think about how I coped,
Without you keeping me afloat,
The dark days are over gone,
I'm keeping calm and carrying on.

Happiness, it comes and goes,
Coming more as our love grows,
Climbing over massive fences,
Obstacles and yet hence this,
Train refuses to stop,
No time for cakes, tea or pop.
We disembark at every station,
Have an exciting conversation,
Dance the night and day away,
Hop back on to the train.

Who knows where we'll end up next,
Ins seriousness of all context,
All that matters is me and you,
So fire up those engines, choo-choo, choo-choo.

I was particularly proud of this one, I often struggle with personification. It seems easy at first thought but to carry something through so long felt like an achievement.
I'm excited to start diversifying my writing, I hope you are too.

Lack of Inspiration

I have this thing going on now. It's a good job I have a wealth of material to fall back on. I prefer not to refer to it as writer's block, more a lack of inspiration. When I wasn't so busy at work, I had a plethora of thoughts to dwell upon and write about, now I'm busier than a bee in a garden centre, it's a lot harder to have inspiration come and go as it pleases. That's not for a lack of trying, Tuesday's poem was wrote on Tuesday itself but instead of flowing it took 4-5 hours of stopping and starting to complete. It'll click eventually and start flowing again.

Ever laughed in the face of adversity,
Ever crafted your own personality,
Ever cried so hard you broke down,
Ever smiled so large, everyone frowned.

You shouldn't care if you're not accepted,
Being you shouldn't bring about a death wish,
Being different means being you,
Individuality means that too,
If you live your life trying to be other people,
You're just another blemish to them, another freckle,
They'll dislike you for being so much like them,
Appreciative for the compliment, at first, but never again.

If you need to discover yourself by being someone else,
Fair enough, no stress,
But once you get there don't turn back,
Being you means being free, confidence you'll never lack,
You'll get called weird, you'll get called mad,
But at least you're you, one day you'll be glad.

#3

It's not possible to love a happy lie,
A lie cannot be happy, you'll see it through your eyes,
The truth doesn't hurt, it doesn't leave scars,
Honesty is harmless, it truly goes far,
Look at my wounds from being deceived,
Healing now, for what I am relieved,
Still cutting deep every now and then,
Almost as if I bleed through this pen,
I was caught up in a terrible mess,
A relationship that brought nothing but stress,
Living every day forcing a smile,
When all the while,
Lies were flowing through your veins,
No, they weren't growing pains,
Two years in and nothing changed,
You were right to break up with me that day,
I was wrong to react that way,
Selfishness - jealousy,
Suffering - you and me,
Explain your actions and I will mine,
You preyed upon my state of mind,
Left me begging for you back,
Guess what changed, that panic attack,
I was scared of losing you as much as myself,
I went to seek professional help,
They let me see we had something worth saving,
But all I was, interested in razing,
All we had to the ground,
Burning bridges, losing the found
Knowledge I had obtained,
We thought our futures were engraved,
On eachother's hearts and souls,
It burnt out, like old coals,
Now look at me a different person,
There really was nothing worse than
You, but you're gone now and everything has changed,
I broke free from the bars of that cage,
I've found solace in my new life,
I slid into it like a hot knife,
Now I'm spreading happiness, preaching the word,
There's people out there who've never heard,
Words of encouragement, wisdom and such,
Never thought I'd be loved as much,
For who I am,
Live your life your way not a sham,
You can try to pretend it's all okay,
However, always, you'll find a way,
To get back to being happy, being you,
Those happy lies are never true.

In the beginning

Yesterday I posted the last poem I ever wrote specifically wrote for the purposes of starting this blog. It seems only right to follow that up by the first poem I ever wrote. I'd like to talk a bit first about my inspirations. The biggest inspiration I have ever had is how candidly Michael Angelakos of Passion Pit wrote about his feelings and life through the medium of song. In terms of emotional listening the band as a whole have provided me with so many platforms to a happy day, or a good nights sleep. It seems almost impossible now to go through a day without the reassurance of knowing I can turn to them whenever I need to.

How is it even possible to call someone sad?
At some point, everyone gets mad,
Why do people get at others for being angry?
Are they in touch with their own sanity?

It's okay to not be okay,
It's okay it works four ways.

One, find someone who makes you happy,
Who appreciates you for you,
Then move on to two.

Two, be happy about who you are,
Only you, not me, then move on to three.

Three, appreciate your family,
Nobody gets there alone,
Carry on to four.

Four, you'll understand when you get there,
Words hardly express feelings anyway,
Only ever care about what's inside,
Discover yourself, have some pride.

Me, I beat depression,
These words, these poems, they're my confession,
Three easy steps to live a happy life,
The fourth is pulling through all the strife,
Unhappiness at arms length, sadness' horizon,
Keep it all outside, don't let it in.

Keep in mind this one final thought,
A barrier of happiness that's how it's fought,
You're not alone in anything you think,
Some to turn harm, others to drink,
One day it will hit you, you'll know you're there,
So come out of your shell, your loved ones already care.

I write poetry when I'm bored at work

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Day 54 in my new job, and 3 weeks in I was suffering from severe boredom. Something amazing began to happen, I put a pen to paper and wrote about my thoughts and feelings. Somehow, in some divine stroke of luck, everything fit together, everything clicked into place. This is the last poem I wrote, this is my commitment to write poems regularly to educate people about mental illnesses, to try and unite people to stand together in the face of adversity, and maybe you'll learn one or two things about yourself too.

Did you hear the story of the boy who cried wolf?
Maybe he was paranoid, that would be enough,
Worries can be powerful if used in the right way,
Others can use them for their personal gain,
Preying on someone's mind is not advisable,
These are things meant to be invisible,
If they share such things with you, they trust you with their heart,
Extending themselves to you, of them now you are a part,
Nobody can cope with out a helping hand, so then,
Luckily for myself in that hand is a pen,
I put my thoughts on paper for you all to read,
Hope you find solace in them, perhaps follow in my lead,
But for all my writing helps how I think,
I have my family and friends too, that's the missing link,
There's someone out there who cares for you too,
Give them your thoughts, let them walk in your shoes,
I found my soulmate sharing my worries,
Talking about them honestly ferries,
Anxiety away, depression gone,
We'll get there together no-one is alone.